Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
