I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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