I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize