I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so let's talk penis.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
