this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
