ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm getting married
To pizza
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
