I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
