Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
