i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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