I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
