well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
