she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
