I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
