I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
