theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
