I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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