What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
