just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
