The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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