my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
