My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
