Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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