3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need water and some morals
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
