I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
