The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
