just tell him i said nine months
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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