I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
