I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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