I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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