I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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