i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
