want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
