11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize