I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
