True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
