Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
