it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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