I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
