you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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