i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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