there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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