On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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