her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
