Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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