cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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