i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
