I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
