haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
