omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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