I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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