So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
