There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
