just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
