So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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