My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
