respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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