I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
