I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize