either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
